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Have you discovered that you’re an introvert parent? Never fear, there are ways to actually love and enjoy those little people that are constantly underfoot!
The basic definition of an introvert is someone who needs to be alone to recharge their internal batteries. Of course, being a parent rarely gives one a chance to be alone. Many hilarious posts have been written about escaping from children in the bathroom, and of course, all parents can identify. But for the introvert parent, the struggle is even more real!
So how on earth can one be a good parent when your very temperament demands space, both mentally and physically and family itself demands closeness, both emotionally and physically?
The following are some of the things that have worked to bring sanity and joy into our own family…without needing to run away!
1) Expect that I will be stretched as an introvert parent.
Parenthood changes me, refines me. Yes, it is hard when my kids want desperately to do something while I’m in the middle of putting together theological thoughts. Sometimes they have to repeat something several times before I can even be pulled out of my internal world! But it’s worth turning around, bending down, and talking to my child. This is, after all, why I became a parent. I may not have realized how much parenthood would stretch me, but if I’d truly wanted to remain alone, I did have that choice!
2) Find daily time to be by myself.
For an introvert, this is not a luxury, but a necessity. In college I went on a 3-week choir tour of Eastern Canada. Everywhere we stopped I made sure to pull out my rollerblades or hiking shoes and go for a walk. I have explored many cities on foot, by myself, and found rejuvenation through it.
Even in the close quarters of parenting little ones, quiet time is not only possible, but extremely necessary for the introverted parent. I have a lovely friend that always wants to draw out playdates, and I’ve had to explain that I *need* that time alone in the afternoons for prayer and, frankly, sanity. We laugh about it now, but it was a source of confusion early on in our relationship!
So how does a parent find uninterrupted time when kids are no longer napping? Habit. Every day at 1 pm, my youngest goes for a nap and the other two go downstairs. I turn on the tv (the only time of day we watch tv) and they get to watch for about an hour. Then I usually make them play together quietly for another hour or so.
Developing a consistent quiet time is not easy, but it’s a worthwhile habit to develop! There have been many days where they come upstairs with a whine, but they are efficiently sent back down. I have also explained to them why this is such an important habit for our family, and that seems to help.
NOTE: I first wrote this article when I still had a napping child. Now that he no longer naps, I still create a one-hour quiet time using screens. It’s the only time of day my kids get to watch TV or play Minecraft, so we ALL look forward to it. If you don’t like using screens, you can train your kids to play quietly in their rooms for a while too!
3) Seek time alone with individual children.
I think most parents find it easier to connect with kids when one-on-one, even more so the introverted parent. Make “parent-kid” dates a priority. Maybe it’s going for a walk, reading aloud to the eldest when the others have gone to bed, or putting together a puzzle.
One of my boys love to run errands with me or go on bike rides while I jog alongside him. Another of my boys loves to be read to. And yet another one just wants to talk.
BONUS: If you can find an activity only one child enjoys, it helps you bond with them without the others feeling left out!
4) Find activities to do together that bring us both life.
Introverts tend to gravitate strongly toward certain interests that they then go into very deeply. I find that I connect best with my boys when we are doing science-related things. It’s fun for all of us, and brings everyone life.
What are the interests that you share with your children? Woodworking? Baking?
Find things that you are both interested in and do them together.
CAVEAT: There’s no need to be constantly playing with your young children because in my opinion, unstructured play is done best by children without adult interference. But learning the art of parallel play can be life-changing. I can be sweeping the floor while my kids play at the table. We’re still communicating and being together without it taking so much energy on my part.
5) Give my kids a consistently early bedtime.
In our family we have found it helpful to both parents and children to keep a consistent bedtime of about 7 pm. Even our 7 year old goes to bed at 7, and reads for an hour or more. There are many health and mental benefits of an early bedtime for children, and it gives us time to clean/exercise/veg in private.
If you’re struggling with bedtime, check out this article on 5 Lifechanging Tips to Help Kids Sleep!
It is possible to be an introvert and truly enjoy parenting. With a little extra thought (which most introverts are pretty good at), a few helpful changes can be implemented!
[tweetthis twitter_handles=”@wise4salvation”]It is possible to be an introvert and truly enjoy parenting.[/tweetthis]
Did you find these ideas helpful? Please share with your introverted friends! Also, if you have older children, please share what you’ve done to fill up your own tank! Naps won’t last forever…
Check out my post on introversion in children
I love this Christie! I never really thought about what an introvert truly is…I know that I am one, but I didn’t spend a fair amount of time with people and can be very friendly too….not something you typically think about when considering an introvert. I have found though that when I am doing several days with someone, I’m good for about 3….then I start shutting down. I’m talked out and need to be alone. I can’t explain it….it’s just necessary. The comment about needing alone time to recharge is so true. Thanks for defining it for me 🙂
Oh I totally identify! Conferences are like death to my soul – so many days with no alone time! And it’s true that introverts can be very friendly. I like to consider myself an outgoing introvert…which is actually NOT a contradiction in terms! Glad you found some value in the article even without being in that “kid crazy” place!
Great post Christie, I can really relate to this one!
Thanks Lisa!! Thanks for stopping by 🙂
Hi Christie, Thank you for the article!
You stated that if your kiddos come up before quiet time is over that you “explained to them why this is such an important habit for our family, and that seems to help”. I’m curious what reasons you give and how.
Thanks!
Well, I have to admit that it comes across better on paper! In the moment it’s usually “please go back downstairs or mommy might go a little crazy!”
I find the conversation easier to have when I’m not in the “go away” mood. Here’s a summary of the explanation: “Mommy and daddy are the kind of people that need to be alone for a bit every day. You’ve probably noticed that I get a little bit cranky if I’m around you all the time, but it’s not because I don’t love you. It’s because God made me somebody who needs alone time. So your job is to play downstairs until quiet time is over, then we can all have a good day.”
This is actually pretty close to what I’ve told my eldest in the past about his own need for alone time…”God made some people that don’t mind being alone sometimes, and actually their brains really need time alone every day.”
I truly enjoyed reading this article. The Lord used to speak to my soul and relieve some of my guilt. I will definitely be following your blog.
Thanks Tylette! And here I was feeling like this was not as spiritual as what I usually write, so God just used you to speak to MY soul! 🙂
I can totally relate! Sometimes I just tell them that “Mommy needs some space!” My 4-yr-old son is very social, so it has really helped him (and us!) to be able to go to preschool a few mornings a week. He seems much more settled after getting some of his extrovert out and having others to interact with. I think I used to feel I needed to play with them ALL OF THE TIME, but I just did not have the capacity to do that and forcing them to play on their own has been really good for them as well! This is a great post. Thanks for sharing it!
Thanks for your thoughts on how to do this with extrovert children!
Loved this article. As an introverted parent of two, it can be quite challenging some days!! I found that some of your ideas I already do and some of the others I’d like to implement! It also helps me feel less guilty in my parenting. As I type this, my 20-month old is wollering around on me like a water buffalo and the 6 year old seems to think that I NEED to know the difference between LEGO sharks right THIS instant, LOL! It’s slightly difficult to even type a sentence! But I especially loved the line where you said that if you’d REALLY wanted to be alone, you did have that choice. That really puts things into perspective when I might have a bad attitude. So glad I’m not alone! Thanks for a great article!
I’m so glad it helped, thank you so much for sharing! Haha, your life definitely sounds like mine – when they have something to say it must be NOW MOM!
Love this advice and the feeling of not being alone in my introvertedness 🙂
You are definitely not alone! Especially on the internet. I love the internet for the fact that I can interact without having to actually talk to people. lol. Go introverts!